It’s scary sometimes what the internet teaches me about myself.
When just browsing on the web, I try to resist clicking links to the teaser articles that have numbers in their headlines.
You know the types of ‘articles’ I’m talking about:
“7 Oscar-winning actors who started out as slasher movie victims”;
“The 12 greatest horror movies you’ve never seen”;
“8 words about 12 high-calorie desserts from 21 greasy spoon cafes in the American south.”
Before you even click the mouse button, you know you’re in for the old bait-and-switch.
The article will be tucked away somewhere in the middle of a page with confusing directions about how to navigate through it. And no matter where you click the page, you’re all but guaranteed to find yourself on the web site dedicated to the latest revolutionary treatment for irritable bowel syndrome.
Speaking of irritations, it is a personal peeve to have to watch an ad before I can watch a movie trailer, which is also known as an ad.
I’m not sure what it says about us, or the internet, that an advertisement can market itself to advertisers. But there are plenty of times I have considered praying for one of Moses’ plagues to fall upon the person responsible for that idea — and a pox upon the Hollywood executive who dares to call that person brilliant.
I wish I could take that moral high road.
After all, this is my column, my personal soap box upon which I ascend to cast an unflattering light on these unscrupulous persons and reveal their obvious lack of shame.
Alas, I cannot walk that road.
I will give myself a bit of credit to recognize my imperfections, my own human tendency to tread the low road.
All it took to remind me of my own shamelessness is when I succumbed to temptation and clicked on a link to one of those infernal internet slideshow articles I complained about earlier: “The Most Hilariously Inappropriate Halloween Costumes for Babies” by Julia Lynn Rubin.
If you have my sick sense of humor, check out the images at blog.petflow.com/inappropriate-baby-costumes.
This article is not nearly the level of bait-and-switch that you get from the more irritating sites like Answers.com, by the way.
But the moment I read that headline, I was hooked as fast as a bass to a nightcrawler.
Oh what sights they had to show:
•A child in a strait-jacket and Hannibal Lector muzzle strapped to a two-wheeler.
• A man in a Jack Daniels bottle costume with his child dressed as a pack of Marlboro Reds.
• A baby girl in a Hooters outfit.
•A child in a Christmas Tree car air freshener costume.
•A child dressed as “The Dude” from The Big Lebowski.
As I viewed these pictures, I had to ask myself: Would I be the kind of parent who would dress my unprotesting infant in a cigarette pack costume for Halloween?
I can’t lie to myself or to you, my trusting readers.
You bet I would – in a flat New York minute.
I’d be the parent staring uncomprehendingly at the school principal while she tried to explain why my daughter’s zombie Cinderella costume probably didn’t need the pulsing veins in her neck.
If I had had four kids, I’d have talked them into dressing as The Ramones from the movie “Rock-N-Roll High School.”
It’s not an easy thing to admit to oneself. But like any good parent, I would have taken credit, and even some pride, for making my kids weird — A cool sort of weird, mind you.
Especially on Halloween.
And on even deeper reflection, that guy who figured that there are suckers out there whose greed would lead them to drop good money to advertise on my ads. That twisted individual — if I met him, I’d probably like him.